1) Respect the dress code. A bar with a dress code is trying to create a specific atmosphere. If that atmosphere excites you, cooperate by dressing the part.

2) No Cologne. No Aftershave. If you must wear a scent, No. 3 Diesel fuel has a nice bouquet.

3) A bar is a place of business, not a gay community center. It is bad form to just take up space and not generate commerce.

4) When ordering, know what you want and have your money ready. If you are thinking of something that requires a blender or a little umbrella, think again.

5) Don't ask the bartender to fix you a strong drink. Ask for a double, and pay for it.

6) If you drive, don't drink alcohol. The bartender doesn't care what you order... have a soft drink.

7) There are few things as embarrassing as being cut off at your favorite leatherpig through. When you feel you have had enough, cut yourself off before you get stupid.

8) The customer is always right. However, the bartender determines who is still a customer.

9) Do not snap your fingers or whistle unless the bartender happens to be a cocker spaniel.

10) About tipping: If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford a drink. In addition, according to the Innkeepers of my favorite haunts, if you can hear your tip hit the bar, you are being too cheap.

11) As a general rule, don't fuck with the guy that signs your paycheck, cuts your hair, or mixes your drinks. The results are guaranteed to be anything but pleasant.

12) The bar doesn't make the laws, but it does have to enforce the law or risk their license. Don't get piss off when asked for I.D. or when asked to leave at closing. At my age, I am generally flattered when I am carded, and try to exit gracefully before the lights go up.

13) The same goes for sex, nakedness and that spontaneous bondage demonstration that you think you do so well. If the bar staff tells you to cease and desist, don't hassle them. Instead, run for public office and modify the alcohol and morals ordinances. (see rule #12 for attitude)

14) If you insist on making an ass of yourself when you drink, drink only on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day. These are amateur nights. You will have lots of company. Cheers

15) If you MUST smoke a cigar, make sure its a decent brand because cheap cigars smell like cat shit.